TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically recognized for ancient society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from location. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have One more position where by American men can don robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he really should stop utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from space, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not just hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Features


Perhaps the Trump Tower Damascus strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising System: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "in which's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting focus from international investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount may also incorporate:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel where by my PTSD might have switch-down services."


Yet another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences recommend:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Thoughts in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It required a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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